Mike Metroulas authored a piece on Big Government yesterday titled What Exactly Are The Qualifications For Being President? There seems to be only one–can enough suckers be bamboozled into actually voting for this rascal? At any event, Mike’s article piqued my interest. What, I wondered, would constitute the perfect modern President? Using 40 years of data, I have constructed the following composite. This is the candidate Americans would most like to see in office–President Nobody:
- An absent-minded, clumsy, whiny, oversexed, draft-dodging, conservative socialist cowboy with large teeth, good hair, and five o’clock shadow. A former aviator and submariner with no military experience, President Nobody is a Rhodes scholar and football playing community organizer who once acted for peanuts and never worked in the private sector. He is an upper class good old boy from the West Coast of Indonesia who grew up poor except for a silver spoon in his mouth. He is a secular, God-fearing, chain-smoking, happily married ex-drinker with an eye for the ladies and lust in his heart. He believes in free enterprise, wage and price controls, and redistribution of wealth.
Nobody is perfect! Nobody speaks for You! Nobody will tell the truth! Nobody keeps his promises! Nobody will stop the spending! Nobody will protect and preserve the Constitution of the United States!