Around the lonely campfires and in the lager beer saloons west of the Mighty Mississippi, grizzled locals have regaled the visiting Eastern tenderfoot for years with tales of the Great Horned Lepus (Lepus Carnivorinae Anteoculini), the elusive antlered rabbit of the West, a creature able to so convincingly mimic the human voice that it has for two hundred years easily misdirected and evaded most would-be pursuers by the timely use of phrases such as “There he goes! That way!” This legendary bunny is native to European woodlands, where it is known variously as the raurackl, rasselbock, and the wolpertinger. Thought to have been introduced to the Americas by Bavarian immigrants Alfons and Erika Hirsch in the 17th Century, the creature was christened “Jackalope” by Western frontiersmen bemused by its eccentric appearance, an apparent cross between a jackrabbit and an antelope.
I mention the etiology of the horned hare because of its curious similarity to another creature not yet proved to be native to North America–the Barack Obamalope. Like the antlered Lepus, the Obamalope is a hybrid inordinately fond of preening before its fellows. The Obamalope exhibits as well an equally extraordinary talent for mimicry, having imitated a national leader for over 24 months while cleverly avoiding remandment to a domicile for Napoleonic-complexed delusionals. First heard in the state of Illinois during the summer of 2004, the dulcet call of the Red Obamalope has since deceived millions into following paths that lead directly into boxed canyons from whence they provide mandatory sustenance for the Obamalope’s predatory kin. While many observers still defend the Obamalope’s often bizarre behavior as providing a necessary check and balance to the excesses of the less socially inclined within his dominion, others suspect he is even more of a danger to the native habitat than his free ranging neighbors. The Obamalope is fond of play and will readily abandon his mundane daily routine to undertake long and pointless journeys. Normally passive and apologetic, he has, however, recently displayed a disorganized extraterritorial aggressiveness that has alarmed his natural allies. This sudden disruption in habitual modes of conduct has given rise to speculation that the Red Obamalope may be on the verge of becoming an endangered species.