On Geezerhood

I’ve somehow ended up in early geezerhood, which is an interesting turn of events for someone who never really expected to see the far side of 30.  And one of the things I’ve come to realize in my dotage is the truth of the observation that inside every arthritic codger is a spry young whippersnapper scratching frantically to get out, though in this case the obnoxious little b****rd is just gonna have to get used to lockdown—he can’t be trusted.  Another inconvenient senior truth is that of the many commercial discounts offered to those of us ancient enough to remember 25¢ a gallon gas and Democrats who actually wondered what we could do for our country, none ever seem to be for important daily staples like coffee, cigars, or beer.  But why gripe about it. Ya gotta be grateful for each and every day, even when each and every day’s snail mail brings such less than exhilarating notifications as the following:

We are pleased to announce a Senior Final Expense Insurance Program to help pay what the government does not pay for your funeral expenses.  At present, the government pays  $255.

The nerve.  Not only do they cheerfully remind me that I’ve got one leg resting uncomfortably in the grave, they also inform me that my government is subsidizing the business that’s going to put the rest of me there.  And I was angry when I thought General Motors was the only industry Obama was nationalizing. Of course, $255 will not buy you many more funerary accoutrements these days than a cheap body bag and an abbreviated eulogy from somebody who was deaconized by the Universal Life Church**; but with millions of us Baby Boomers heading into life’s last lap, this is another entitlement program that’s going to eventually add up to some serious cash.

** GET ORDAINED ONLINE

 You are about to legally become an ordained minister, and/or a priest to perform religious services through the Universal Life Church Monastery…

[…] At the ULC Monastery, we believe that ordination should be available to all who seek and ask. That’s why we make it possible for you to become a priest, minister or pastor through our online church service!

 After you have completed the ordination form you will receive a confirmation e-mail, which serves as receipt of your ordination. Our staff views every ordination application and generally processes your ordination within 72 hours.

From The ULC Storehouse:

[…] Catholic , Christian, Buddhist, Pagan, Muslim or even Atheist or Agnostic, we recognize and offer products needed for your ministry.  Be sure to check out our wedding supplies which will aide any new bride in planning a wedding.  We also remind you to get ordained so that you too can assist your friends and family in officiating weddings, baptisms, funerals, blessings and the absolution of sins by others.

[Emphases Added]