On Geezerhood

I’ve somehow ended up in early geezerhood, which is an interesting turn of events for someone who never really expected to see the far side of 30.  And one of the things I’ve come to realize in my dotage is the truth of the observation that inside every arthritic codger is a spry young whippersnapper scratching frantically to get out, though in this case the obnoxious little b****rd is just gonna have to get used to lockdown—he can’t be trusted.  Another inconvenient senior truth is that of the many commercial discounts offered to those of us ancient enough to remember 25¢ a gallon gas and Democrats who actually wondered what we could do for our country, none ever seem to be for important daily staples like coffee, cigars, or beer.  But why gripe about it. Ya gotta be grateful for each and every day, even when each and every day’s snail mail brings such less than exhilarating notifications as the following:

We are pleased to announce a Senior Final Expense Insurance Program to help pay what the government does not pay for your funeral expenses.  At present, the government pays  $255.

The nerve.  Not only do they cheerfully remind me that I’ve got one leg resting uncomfortably in the grave, they also inform me that my government is subsidizing the business that’s going to put the rest of me there.  And I was angry when I thought General Motors was the only industry Obama was nationalizing. Of course, $255 will not buy you many more funerary accoutrements these days than a cheap body bag and an abbreviated eulogy from somebody who was deaconized by the Universal Life Church**; but with millions of us Baby Boomers heading into life’s last lap, this is another entitlement program that’s going to eventually add up to some serious cash.

** GET ORDAINED ONLINE

 You are about to legally become an ordained minister, and/or a priest to perform religious services through the Universal Life Church Monastery…

[…] At the ULC Monastery, we believe that ordination should be available to all who seek and ask. That’s why we make it possible for you to become a priest, minister or pastor through our online church service!

 After you have completed the ordination form you will receive a confirmation e-mail, which serves as receipt of your ordination. Our staff views every ordination application and generally processes your ordination within 72 hours.

From The ULC Storehouse:

[…] Catholic , Christian, Buddhist, Pagan, Muslim or even Atheist or Agnostic, we recognize and offer products needed for your ministry.  Be sure to check out our wedding supplies which will aide any new bride in planning a wedding.  We also remind you to get ordained so that you too can assist your friends and family in officiating weddings, baptisms, funerals, blessings and the absolution of sins by others.

[Emphases Added]

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About Bob Mack

Retired since 2003. Military Service: U.S. Army, 36th Artillery Group, Babenhausen, Germany 1966-67; 1st Signal Brigade, Republic of Vietnam, 1967-68 Attended University of Miami, 1969-73
This entry was posted in Humor, Opinion and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to On Geezerhood

  1. wdednh says:

    Nice Picture Bob, great Smile 😛

  2. Pingback: On Geezerhood (via Be Sure You’re RIGHT, Then Go Ahead) | YOU DECIDE

  3. Ike Jakson says:

    Well Bob

    As one ole geezer to another though I think a have a small edge on you since I arrived in these parts on Saturday August 3rd of the year of 1940 [pray tell me when your stork arrived] but anyway though I am not much use for Blogging this Post was too good to miss.

    I still subscribe and read and I am working on a Post for June 2011 but except for the humorous side of life today as you so eloquently presented here I am sadly disappointed in the way this ole World is turning out to be.

    You can say that except for the eye I am physically in much better shape than before my mishap on April 17th bur I have been cautioned to take it easy. My southern Dutch blood gets boiling often enough when I turn the radio on but our Lord has been good to me; gave me a good life and often protected me against my own folly.

    You guys amaze me if I see how you just carry on and on; please thus note that although my presence is not always visible the ole heart is in the right place. I shall pray for you.

    Thanks for all the joy that you have provided me with; if and when my ship comes in I should still like to get over there one last time and meet all of you in person.

    Did you know that the dastardly one arrived [from the comet or wherever he was born] on Thursday, August 4th 1961, the day after my 21st birthday? I don’t why but if I knew he was a commin I would ha chucked a spanner in the works to stop it. Hehehehe

  4. the great thing about this age is not giving a damn about what other people think and repeatedly saying “you kids git off my lawn.”

  5. geezerhood, yep, that’s me…..

  6. this is so good I had to cop it an repost, thanks bob

  7. Otis P. Driftwood says:

    For more on Geezerhood please visit – http://geezersayzblog.wordpress.com/

  8. Angel says:

    young at heart Bob?..lol Have a beautiful weekend my friend!:)

  9. TexasFred says:

    Geezerhood has a lot of advantages too, I think I’ll get me one of those *store-bought* preacher certificates and start saying THE END IS NEAR, send me your donations so I can pass the word from the man upstairs…

    I’ll call it *The Church of What the Hell is going on?* and have a tag line, “Feed the poor, the needy and ME!”

    OK, that’s more than enough blasphemy for one comment…

    • Grumpyelder says:

      I live in Geezerland, with one of those *store bought* preacher certficates… I could help thousands of Florida Seniors sleep better at night…

      “As you can see from my store bought credentials, I have a special relationship with the guy upstairs, ll you have to do is leave me a substantial portion of your estate, …with my special connections……….”

      On second thought, those certificates are cheap, I’d probably find out I had a zillion competitors

  10. Freedom, by the way says:

    Always good for a laugh, Bob! Seriously, if anyone is worried about funeral costs–donate your body to science. When they are finished with it (usually winds up at a medical school or the like) after about a year, they pay for cremation and send the ashes to the family. Then your ashes can be buried, scattered or stored on a shelf. My mom did that and my Dad’s already signed up, too. When they first told me about it, I was “eeh,” but it really is a good thing. We want our docs training on the real thing, as grisly as it sounds.

    • Bob Mack says:

      I think I want my ashes in the ash tray where they belong…I heard about that ‘body to science’ deal back in my bohemian days, but at that time they paid ‘cash today for a fresh corpse tomorrow’. I was thinking about doing it, but I heard they tattooed a number on your foot so’s you couldn’t skip out on the bill, so to speak, and I couldn’t really justify being branded just for some beer money.

  11. Mr. AOW got catapulted into geezerhood when he had that brain hemorrhage back in 2009. Well, physical geezerhood, anyway. He’s still got a bit of the old spark.

    Question: Are women geezers, too, or only men?

  12. The great thing about being a geezer is that others think we must know what we are talking about. I’ve conned a whole generation of Venezuelans.

  13. roblorinov says:

    I see you’ve aged well from the pic Bob. LOL

  14. Matt says:

    I have a while to go before geezerhood. Of course, by then, you won’t get a gold watch, but a pamphlet, “So You’re Ready to be Euthanized.”

  15. Bob Mack says:

    Don’t they already give that pamphlet out with the W-2’s?

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